


Does Anyone Notice

by Ac3s



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe, College, Gen, High School, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Sexual Content, Stream of Consciousness, Students, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 05:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10404714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ac3s/pseuds/Ac3s
Summary: Frank and Gerard teen first love, coming out affair AU. This is not a romance, this is not fluff.





	1. But does anything matter

They always ended up like this. 

It just felt natural to hold his hand, or grab on to his arm and tuck himself into the taller man's body. Love kind of felt like looking into his eyes. He really thought love felt like looking at him all day.

There was something about it. 

They could kiss for hours. It was the best thing Frank had ever felt. Just being so close to him and losing track of time. Kissing was the best part. Gerard was his first everything, he had never been with a guy before him. Frank was his first too, but it always meant more to Frank. 

The sex was never great but Frank liked getting him off. It was sexy to get someone off, he thought. Gerard was never very good at reciprocating, but Frank didn't care. Gerard also wasn't very good at hearing "no," but Frank didn't mind much. Gerard used to tell him how sex was important, and should be taken seriously. After the first time they slept together on the floor of Frank's bedroom without so much as a passing remark about protection, Frank started to think he maybe wasn't so serious about it. He supposed he made too big a deal out of it anyways, and didn't want to upset Gerard. 

They couldn't actually talk about a lot of things. Talking about sex made Gerard so uncomfortable he wouldn't even look at Frank. Let alone talking during sex, which would result in a total loss. Frank felt like he was repeating himself whenever he brought up how not talking made him uncomfortable, so he just let it go.

Frank wanted someone to make him feel loved, and help him slowly navigate coming out and being in a relationship. He wanted the positive support system he never had in his family, the gushing actions of a man who wanted him to be his best self. That was probably too romantic; they were both just closeted teenagers.

Still, Frank wanted to believe.

**

They were lying on his dirty shag carpet. Frank had never had cause to keep papers and clothes off his floor before Gerard made it their regular stomping grounds. He doesn't actually remember why it always happens on the floor, but he's a little glad they're not on his bed. 

Gerard is staring up at the ceiling, on his back. Frank is sitting up against the wall with Gerard's legs in his lap. He doesn't know what Gerard is thinking about, and Gerard doesn't tell him.  
Frank pulls Gerard's legs in to his chest and breaks the silence first.  
"I guess this is one way to sixty-nine."  
He's smiling down at Gerard, who doesn't acknowledge the remark.  
Instead, he just looks at Frank- pointing his light green eyes in his direction and gazing at Frank's inability to hold a quiet atmosphere for longer than two minutes at a time.  
Gerard never talks much after they fuck, but Frank knows it's not because he's tired. 

Frank has a lot of theories as to why Gerard won't talk about sex, their sex, and during sex, but he doesn't know who he would tell them to or how he would confirm them. He's been writing again, but he would never tell Gerard- he doesn't ever want Gerard to distrust him because he's written something so personal. 

He started writing again when they started dating. It all seemed so new and so fast, he was so amazed someone could be so interested in him. At first they couldn't see each other often because Gerard had gone to live with his dad, so they would email a lot and have phone calls so long they would put each other to sleep. Looking back on those communications, Frank saw it was easier to hang on to every word when you always thought more were coming. 

Gerard moved back in with his mom after the summer ended, and would stay over at Frank's house a couple days out of the week. Frank would have been mortified if his parents ever walked in on them, but knowing what Gerard had told him about his mother made them decide on Frank's room as the best venue.  
Gerard usually spoke freely about his mom- things she's done, shit she's said- but only when Frank didn't remark on the things he would say. If Frank were to agree that Gerard's mom could be homophobic and mean, he could say so. If he were to suggest exit plans, bring up college, remark upon the real case for abuse- Gerard would be done sharing for the day.

Frank knows it's not his place to judge, or to get involved, but when the air of complete and total apathy sets over Gerard's entire being Frank wants to scream in frustration. 

There was just so little Frank could do and so little Gerard ever really wanted him to do. 

**

They're laying beside each other on a soft couch in Frank's empty living room. They had kissed a bit already, but Frank was so content to lie with Gerard wrapped around him that he had stopped to rest in his arms. It didn't take long before Gerard was trying to kiss him awake.  
"Noo, come on, don't do that."  
"Do what? I'm sleepy."  
"You know... Come on."  
Gerard kept trying to kiss him hard, and Frank was feeling more and more dread. He doesn't remember when that started happening, but he began to dread even Gerard's visits due to their inevitable outcomes.  
"Can't we just... Nap? Please... I'm so tired."  
"Aw no Frank... Please? Lets not do that..."  
Frank didn't want to keep Gerard waiting, so he finally kissed back and moved to be fully under him. It wasn't a big deal to either of them. Sex was good, they both liked it. Frank doesn't really want to think about having to justify this to himself, he just knows it's better than not having Gerard.  
Gerard is on top of him, unbuttoning Frank's pants and rubbing him through his underwear. It felt good, of course, but Frank knew it would stop feeling as good. He would always just focus on the kissing then, and let Gerard have a go at it. This time was a little harder to lose himself though, because Gerard was so focused on getting Frank off that he was biting down pretty hard on his lips and making Frank's lip swell. It just wasn't happening for him, and it probably wasn't going to happen soon, so Frank pushed him off and told him he was making his lip swell up.  
"Really? I was biting?"  
"Yeah, check it out."  
Frank looked at himself in the wall mirror while Gerard cast his glance from him to the reflection a few times. Frank could tell this was starting to fall under "talking about their sex," so he quickly interrupted Gerard's thoughts.  
"It's cool, it'll go away. Maybe I'll do the same to you."  
He kissed Gerard again, turning them so he could get into Gerard's pants this time and hopefully finish things up so he could sleep and eat and spend some time by himself. 

Frank felt bad about wanting to be alone so much, but he was starting to feel more and more anxious around Gerard. They just wouldn't talk about the important things, and any time they were alone Gerard wanted to have sex. Frank was uneasy, and unsure of himself. He wasn't getting off and he always felt anxious. But who could he talk to? 

It was like having a big secret that would hurt anyone you tried filling in.  
He didn't really want to feel like this because of someone he loved, because of a relationship he wanted. 

**

Gerard never revealed his apathy or his pessimism to his friends. Frank only realized that when he had been invited to a group event at the community college. It was a cultural benefit that had dancing and cheap food, so it was pretty rad. One of Gerard's friends had been feeling stressed about school, and while Frank expected the typical Gerard response about school being unimportant and him failing everything anyways, he heard the complete opposite. Suddenly, Gerard was a beacon of positivity- doling out Cosmo Girl worthy advice and putting bright smiles on everyone's faces. Frank felt out of the loop, and a little cheated.

He figured it must be him then, that makes Gerard act differently. He didn't really like being that kind of catalyst.


	2. But does anyone care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt like taking a breath after plunging into cold water.  
> It felt like finally breathing, and feeling the searing pain of your lungs attempting to expand.  
> It felt necessary, but excruciating.
> 
> He knew he had to break up with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not over, yet. Not exactly sequential, either.

It felt like taking a breath after plunging into cold water.  
It felt like finally breathing, and feeling the searing pain of your lungs attempting to expand.  
It felt necessary, but excruciating.  
*  
Frank knew the only way he would be happy is if he weren't with Gerard- but there was nothing he could do.  
*

"I just want to kill myself already."  
"Please don't."  
"It wouldn't even matter if I did, no one would care."  
"I would, you know I would."  
"Ok."  
"I would call the cops to your house."  
"Ok, then I guess I'll just do it without telling you."

Frank wished that was the only time he had that conversation with him, but they happened every week.  
He didn't feel qualified to talk someone down, much less a depressed victim of abuse. Frank could offer a million solutions, and Gerard wouldn't hear a single one.  
*

Frank liked being around their friends, though.

Gerard was a light among their group. He had the biggest smile, the easiest laugh. Always quick to give a compliment and share a treat. Some days, he would bring in bags of candy for his friends just to make their day brighter. Anytime they were around, he was the fun, vibrant person Frank had first met.  
When they would all hang out, Gerard would grab Frank's hand under tables and rub his feet against Frank's while they were sitting close by. It was sweet, and Frank appreciated the closeness despite being in a crowd.  
He soon dropped off in affection, though. He became embarrassed at any public display on Frank's part. They used to kiss before heading to class, a quick parting peck, but when Gerard started making faces and pulling away, Frank stopped asking.  
He couldn't figure out what he kept doing wrong.

But he had made a mistake. Gerard was a well known character in all their classes for his kindness and spirit, and was friends with most of their graduating class. Frank never understood how people could be surrounded by so many people at once . He realized as their relationship went on the extreme complex Gerard had- a desperate need to be liked. It was debilitating to the point of anxiety and manifested in showering even the slightest of acquaintances in affection and gifts if only to gain a temporary friendship.  
Gerard never put that much effort in his relationship with Frank.

But therein lie the problem- no one saw Gerard as buying affection. No one knew Gerard as a pessimist, depressive artist who failed his classes on purpose and sat quietly while his mother told him he would never amount to shit- everyone thought he was the brightest star to ever shine on a sullen outcast like Frank.

And Frank wouldn't dare darken that star's light, of course.

So he couldn't break up with Gerard.  
He had never known so many people to like him, make plans with him and include him in a group. In a selfish way, he needed Gerard to have more people in his life.  
But none of them were ever as genuine or as caring as a friend should be, and would leave the minute he ended things with Gerard. It was only a matter of time.

*

Frank had been accepted into an exclusive writing program at NYU for the summer. Two college level writing courses and six weeks of living in the city. He was beyond overjoyed, it had been months of work to secure a creative scholarship. It would be the first time he was ever away from home.

He wasn't sure he could leave, but his mother pushed him forward. She had cancer for much of his life, and when it had returned his Sophomore year of high school he had taken care of her every minute he could. Every hospital stay, doctor's appointment, treatment- he was right there by her side. It was never enough for him. He knew he would be broken inside for the rest of his life when she finally passed away.

And yet, she insisted.

"It's our dream, Frankie. And with a scholarship! You can do this. We can finally pay for this and you can start your life. Please don't stop living because of me."  
"I'm not stopping anything ma, I just don't know if we can afford it. And all that time away from home-"  
"We'll find a way! There's always a way, and this isn't just for you anymore. I want you to go to New York and live your dream. Our dream, baby! I want to know you're happy and living a life apart from taking care of me because that's all you've been doing. I don't ever see you with friends. Please, do this for me."

And Frank couldn't argue with his mother when she let out her monologues. She meant the world to him, and he would do anything to make her happy. Even if it meant leaving her.

 

But she wasn't the only one he would be leaving.

Gerard texted him late at night, around the time they had all the conversations that made Frank's stomach hurt.

 _"Hey. How long is it again?"_  
Frank stared at the bright screen, stomach already feeling heavy with dread.

_"6 weeks. Not that long."_

_"Oh."_  
Frank could practically hear the disappointment.  
He got a series of texts soon after.

 _"It's just..._  
_Sex is just sex right?_  
_It means nothing"_  
Frank bit his lip, knowing where he was going with this already but quietly urging the universe to change his mind. Frank replied.  
_"Yeah, I guess. Why?"_

The next texts came just as quickly.  
_"Well it's just. You'll be gone a long time_  
_And sex doesn't even mean anything_  
_So I was wondering if we should just be open, like while you're away we can both just. Do whatever."_

Frank's heart dropped, lower than he thought it even could. He wanted to be angry or totally accepting. One of those would at least give a specific answer and maybe a way out. But he was only hurt, and feeling more pathetic than he ever thought he could be.

 _"Right. Can we just talk about this closer to the summer?"_  
Frank really had no response to Gerard's suggestion, and figured the least he could do is put off the conversation entirely.

_"Ok, yeah."_

The conversation didn't end that night, though. Without realizing it, Frank had been thrust back into it time and time again when Gerard would pick fights and play the victim, crying that Frank was "doing something with his life" and Gerard just felt so inadequate being with him. Gerard would pick on him for leaving and bring up the need for an "open" relationship every chance he got.  
One night, he pulled out all the stops.

_"I just feel like... What if we're meant to be together, you know? Forever. I want to be with you so bad but what if we mess things up right now? And then we can't be together later? I feel like if we would have gotten together like a year from now that would have been better."_

Frank stared, and stared, and stared at that message.  
If this was him saying it, how could he do it over a text?  
Another message came through.

 _"Idk. Just something I think about."_  
Frank was so relieved he was tearing up. He didn't know what to say, and texted the first thing on his mind.

_"Oh my god, I thought you were breaking up with me."_

_"...I know."_

*

And the next month, the sixth month they were together, he said it again.  
The same paragraph, but this time without an additional clarification. This time, with a plan.

_"What if we go back to being friends and date other people and then one day we'll be together for real?"_

Frank couldn't handle it. The sword of Damocles had been over his head for far too long and he hated the insecurity.  
_"If you break up with me, I'm not guaranteeing I'll stick around for you."_

Always quick to reply, Gerard said:  
_"But doesn't that mean something?"_

Frank was angry this time. It had been so long, and Gerard was acting like a philosophy major or gigantic fucking stoner.  
_"That doesn't mean anything. Either we're together now, we work through it, and last- or we end things and there's no future for us."_

_"But Frank, I still want to be friends."_

_"I can't do that right now. Maybe talk to me in a month or something but right now I just need to be alone."_

And Frank thought, it's over. He did it. And he did it over text.

But Gerard didn't give Frank space like he wanted. He kept texting over the next few days, checking in or reminding him about assignments. Frank ignored it. Even got his best friend to tell Gerard to fuck off for a bit.

Then he begged.  
_"Frank please, this isn't what I wanted. Please answer me."_  
It cut Frank to the core, and he responded.

_"What did you want?"_

_"I want to be with you, I'm sorry. Can we try again? Please?"_

And Frank pretended to think about it.  
But honestly, he had filled the pages of a journal with angry red letters and black pen smudges and hate filled words over how hard it was to breathe knowing Gerard just stopped wanting him.

So he accepted it.

*

It was only a few days later when Gerard texted him, but in the morning this time.

_"Do you think we made a mistake?"_

They had filled the past few nights with conversation- apologies, promises. Something Gerard had made Frank promise the night they got back together was to "sleep on it" before making big decisions, especially when they fought. Frank had never spoken so candidly to Gerard as he did when they broke up, so of course he had taken it personally.

But for Gerard to bring this up again, to act like mutually getting back together was a bad idea when Gerard had been the instigator to both ending things and rekindling things set Frank off like nothing else had. He felt so, so betrayed.

Gerard begged him to _"sleep on it Frankie, like you promised."_

And at 7am the next morning, Frank texted back:  
_"Slept on it. I'm not going through this again, it's over."_


	3. And if I had the guts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had been lying on the floor together. He couldn't remember if they had just had sex or not. Most likely, they had just finished. The carpet was still the softest thing about lying with Gerard. Frank realized now Gerard never actually said it out loud, but expected him to look into those green eyes and extract the words for himself. After all, Frank had said it first. It should have been easy for him to tell that Gerard was finally ready to say it back.
> 
> But he wasn’t, and he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized a few people were still reading, and even though the story in my head was finished I want to give it a real ending. Someday.

The first time he told Frank he loved him, he asked him to read his mind.

They had been lying on the floor together. He couldn't remember if they had just had sex or not. Most likely, they had just finished.

The carpet was still the softest thing about lying with Gerard.

Frank realized now Gerard never actually said it out loud, but expected him to look into those green eyes and extract the words for himself. After all, Frank had said it first. It should have been easy for him to tell that Gerard was finally ready to say it back.

But he wasn’t, and he didn’t.

Frank made a series of guesses, from sex to food, and finally, put on a record with the words that might have finally been on his mind, and kissed him on his bedroom floor. Gerard hated being blunt, couldn’t stand to be held accountable, and absolutely refused to speak his mind.

The first time Frank said he loved him was an accident.

Frank had gotten so used to saying it casually when they were friends, and to good friends otherwise, that in a moment of silly fun he said it between the breaths of a laugh. It was the easiest moment Frank ever had saying I love you.

It was the only time it ever felt that easy. The immediate embarrassment and regret that ensued as a result rushed towards his face.

It was too early to say, or feel.

Gerard ignored it, chose instead to remain silent. The laughter ended quickly.

Frank could never say “I love you” the same way again.

The next few times he was told “I love you,” they said it first, and he didn’t respond. He didn’t feel like he loved them back, or didn’t know if he felt like he loved them back, and made himself wait until eventually he responded with “I love you too-” having to will himself to just get over it every time.

 

*

 

Frank was having sex again. But real sex this time- where they got each other off and felt good about themselves afterwards. In a bed, even. 

He had been seeing this guy for a few months, made things official the month before. He had been so stressed writing a script for a competition that he needed the release. 

And this one was so, so sweet. Always offering to help, driving to the campus any time Frank asked to shoot the shit, talk about ideas, or just fuck. 

Frank knew he was in love, and had known for awhile.

And maybe it was the stress, being away from his family, and fearing failure-

maybe it was feeling in love.

But he said it to him.

He wasn't sure how opportune a moment it was, but felt like maybe this one loved him back.

 

"Hey- I'm sorry I-"

 

They were in the middle of having sex, but Frank was about to burst into tears with how much he needed to say it to him.

 

"You good? what's wrong?" He stopped moving, and just held himself above Frank- looking down in concern.

"Yeah, I'm just- I just really wanted to tell you this and its ok if you don't say it back I just feel it right now and-" he took a breath, and looked into his eyes.  "-I really love you right now."

 

But for the second time, Frank didn't get the response he wanted.

 

"Oh...Okay. That's...dangerous"

 

Frank tried to save himself the embarrassment and quickly explained.

 

"I just, I felt it in the moment and you know I think its better to say it now and not regret not saying it later."

"What, like, if we die tomorrow?"

"Yeah, we could get mauled by bears. I'm sorry, I'm weird about this."

"I don't think that's going to happen. And don't worry. I'm kind of weird about it too."

 

And then Frank decided to cut his losses and just focus on the sex.

It hurt so, so much to think about.

In the moment though, he tried to pat himself on the back for being brave and not caring too much.

But he knew why he felt so important to him.

 

*

 

This time, when they would lie together, there was no expectation.

Frank could fall asleep beside his  _boyfriend,_ and he would fall asleep with him.

Frank could suggest something other to do, and he would agree.

 

It was great.

 

Until he found himself climbing on top of him and kissing him awake.

He would grind down on his still-sleeping body and ask him  _please... please?_

And he would be too tired to fuck and leave Frank horny and disappointed lying awake next to him.

 

And when Frank remembered a glimpse of Gerard doing the same to him, he didn't sleep for a week. 

Frank would stay up all night crying and writing, trying to understand.

But what was there to understand?

 

* 

 

Frank's boyfriend had an apartment. It was new, still without furniture and barely lived-in. 

His apartment had a nice, clean carpet. They watched TV for a while and then found themselves grappling at each other, grinding and feeling each other through their clothes with fervor. It felt good, until Frank felt the carpet against his face and the burn all over his body. His boyfriend thrust against him harder and harder and Frank just kept moaning. 

Maybe, maybe he could ruin the carpet for someone else.

Frank's mother had gotten rid of their carpets. The year he entered college they replaced them with wood flooring instead. 

Frank couldn't stop feeling his skin burn against the floor and he felt far, far away from the empty apartment and into his thoughts instead.

Maybe he could burn a hole in the floor where his body was. Maybe he could stain every inch of the bare apartment so thoroughly that when Frank finally ended it, there would be someone else with a million memories and no one left. 

They moved onto the air mattress. 

When Frank had to leave, he took everything with him.

Somehow he knew there was no way he would ever leave a mark so significant on someone else.

Those kinds of scars had to be made with a sharper razor.

 

*

 

He was up all night again.

He had thrown it all away.

Was it worth it?  
  


No pictures, no gifts, no notes.

Nothing to read and reread and guess that maybe he did really love him- even if it didn't last.

But all he found was a couple of photos Gerard had yelled at Frank for taking, and a copy of Catcher in the Rye.

Frank burned with shame and anger over the thought.

Gerard had probably never loved him, and there was Frank three years later asking why.

 

*

 

There was so much regret in his life. 

Rutgers instead of NYU, Psychology instead of writing, getting into another relationship.

 

He had been with someone briefly that summer at NYU, but he was a closeted virgin who was really more of a friend than a partner. 

Frank had been proud of himself for getting into another relationship after Gerard.

But it didn't mean as much.

To the virgin, it meant a little more. In retrospect, Frank felt bad for the way he ended things and how carelessly he treated the relationship like a casual encounter. 

He was terrified of being like Gerard in that respect. 

There was a brief period of just sleeping with girls because it was easier than dealing with closet cases or falling in love. 

But Gerard.

From what Frank knew, Gerard was happy.

 

Gerard was fine.

He was in the same relationship he left Frank to be with.

It had been years.

 

With him, Frank saw, Gerard didn't constantly threaten to kill himself.

Gerard didn't want to fuck other people just because they went to different colleges. 

Gerard didn't feel inadequate or pessimistic or depressed.

 

So, in the end-

it was just Frank.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Went for something a little different. I hope i still have readers, honestly.


End file.
